I Love You, Mommy

My mom was my best friend, and she was the best mom I could ever ask for. On January 6, 2018, at 12:20am, she took her last breath with her family at her bedside.

This all feels like a bad dream. It hurts so much, it doesn't even feel real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

My mom had been living with stage IV lung cancer for the last four years and only up until the last four months had she been really ill (and no, she was NOT a smoker).

You can call the last four years a blessing, but it has also been an emotional roller coaster. Every time a treatment stopped working, I would just crumble.

However, my mom was always so optimistic, brave, and determined. She was willing to try every type of therapy that was available as long as it meant that she could spend more time with us. She never gave up, not even at the very end.

My mom didn't lose her fight against cancer. To say that she lost to cancer would be an insult to all her efforts. 

She fought cancer and she won in so many ways. She won by living another 4 years when the doctor only gave her 6 months. 

She won by having the health and quality of life to travel around the world with her family. 

She won by having the chance to welcome her two granddaughters into the world.

She won by being surrounded by her loved ones as she took her last breath in the comfort of her own home.

If anything, we are the "losers". We lost a wife, a mother, a daughter, a grandmother, a sister, a cousin, an aunt, and a friend. We lost the opportunity to hear her laugh again, the opportunity to see her beautiful smile again, and the opportunity to hold her hand again.

My mom is beautiful, inside and out and I aspire to be like her in every way.

My mom is the reason I love arts and crafts. In fact, she was the one who taught me how to crochet.

Some days, we would both sit there and just make things. We didn't have to talk. We would just be present with each other.

She's made so many things for my girls and I am just so grateful to be able to share this hobby with her. Because now, when I crochet, I think of her.

I've been using crochet as a type of therapy. It's like meditation. It calms me and takes me away from my problems. 

I say a prayer and make a wish for every stitch I put in. I pray that my mom is in heaven right now. I pray that my mom has reunited with my grandfather. I pray that my mom has found God. I pray that we will meet again.

I still had so much to learn from my mom. I said to her, "I need you. I don't know how to be a good mother." She looked at me and said, "It's easy to be a good mom, you just have to give them the best you possibly can. It doesn't have to be money-related. But as long as you give them the best."

Heaven gained a special angel the day my mom left this world. I dedicate this blog to my mom. The one who started it all by giving me life; teaching me right from wrong; raising me to be the person I am today; and teaching me how to crochet.

I love you, mommy. I miss you very much.