Goodbye Maternity Leave

Well, this week marks the last week of my maternity leave. And tomorrow, I go back to work full-time. As I type this, I am just thinking about everything that has happened over this last year and a half.

I left work early last year because I was actually put on medical leave prior to my one year of maternity leave (I live in Canada, yo). Not many people know, but I was suffering from peripartum depression. This is when depression happens during pregnancy before the baby is born.

I was just as ill and fatigued as my first pregnancy, but not only that, I had a toddler to take care of at home on my days off. I was getting extremely burnt out.

There are some mornings when I am just crawling on the floor having difficulty trying to feed my toddler her lunch. I had anxiety about everything. Going to work, being at home, what I can and cannot eat, what it might taste like coming back up, etc.

I was constantly crying and having a hard time dealing with my own emotions. I kept having this impulsive thought about running away to a place where nobody can find me just so I could get away.

Things got a little better after I sought professional help. I remembered that I was in a state of euphoria after my first was born, and I was hoping that it might just happen again.

Then it would solve all of these depression problems. I was wrong.

After Mui Mui was born, the postpartum depression hit me even harder. BB was having a hard time dealing with her new sibling. 

They couldn't even be in the same room together. Mui Mui was often crying (as expected from newborns) but her cries were extremely loud and ear-piercing and I can see why BB doesn't like that. 

I was having difficulty dealing with the whole situation, and again anxiety took over me.

About 2 months postpartum things were just starting to settle down. BB and Mui Mui can finally be in the same room and we were finally able to have dinner together as a family.

Then, we got the news that my mom's cancer had metastasized to her brain. It just felt like, as soon as one part of my life was finally getting better, another problem arises.

At this point, my mom had already been living with this cancer for more than 3.5 years. She always managed to pull through somehow and we were just hoping that she would this time around too.

Because her cancer had spread to her brain, she was not allowed to drive anymore. So instead of my mom and my grandma coming to my home to help me with the two kids every morning, I had to bring the kids to them.

I was extremely exhausted from hauling two babies back and forth, and taking care of and worrying about my mom. But I was determined to do so because I wanted my mom to be able to see her grandchildren as often as she could.

My mom became weaker and sicker during her last months of life. And at the beginning of January, she left us.

Never in my entire life would I have imagined planning my mom's funeral during my maternity leave. This has to be as painful as a maternity leave could get.

Tomorrow when I go back to work, I will be starting a new job as an oncology nurse. I actually got the news about the job offer about 12 hours before my mom passed away.

I told my mom and she was very happy for me. Some people may think that this is a self-destructive move. And sometimes, I wonder that as well. But I also wondered if this is my calling and if I'm meant to be there for a reason.

I'm actually quite happy and excited to go back to work. There's really only so much baby talk you can do in a day.

Some days, I can't wait until Hanson gets back home from work to "rescue me" from the two kids. Living with depression over the last year felt like it stole a lot of my time and moments to enjoy Mui Mui as a newborn and a baby.

She started walking at 10 months and things became very busy, very quickly. I can't wait for this maternity leave to be over and start fresh. I am looking forward to this next chapter.

Just as an FYI, this blog may be a bit quiet for the next few weeks as I desperately try to find time to study for an exam that I have to take before September and adjust to my new job.

Thank you so much for reading and supporting my blog by visiting. It means more than you know!